Sunday, March 28, 2010

"...someone stole the life from you...your heart is on the floor"







I have been ruminating for days about this posting,- March 26th by my reckoning is the year anniversary of Roller Derby entering my life. I did a search on my own blog for 'skating' and 'roller derby' and I read through some of my postings. I have definitely been on a journey, and I feel more kindly upon reflection over those postings. I didn't want to post negatively, and I also felt an urge to censor myself because of the negativity, yet I wanted to 'write it out'.
A year seems unbelievable while the fact that I have only known Betty for less than a year, feels incredible for the opposite reasons.
I met Betty and Fink in mid-June-! Betty is the closest thing to a real friend that I have had in all my time in Tasmania, and I would never have met her without Roller Derby. Of course she is enough like me that she essentially walked out of the life she created. She is braving it out in the world at large-and as we are on completely different date lines, I no longer have text messages in real time. I completely understand the what and the why of her leaving, and having done the same thing myself, all I can do is laugh about my first friend here, leaving the country. Anyway I look at that situation, I definitely owe Derby for Betty and Fink being in my life.

Also I owe for the fun I have had skating in other places, Geelong, Queensland, and Hawaii, all part of the debt.
I am also proud of myself for trying something so unlike the idea I have of myself. My long held dislike for sports, my fear of groups.
In part I am also indulging myself, in my forties, to make up for the time I spent in my twenties, just making rent, or being the soft touch and covering shifts for friends, or my ill placed loyalty that caused me to be the type of assistant that was available to my bosses every whim upon my personal time.

My conflict lies with Roller Derby in Tasmania.
If I am frank and honest with myself, Roller Derby here at home...tumultuous...confusing...aggravating...defeating...
I actually feel more alone here because of Derby-I am apart of a group, but not with the acceptance or common ground I have in Geelong.
I always feel like the new girl at school, offering myself all the time, and never being taken up on invitations.
Certainly a lot of what happens isn't personal, but in an odd way it is personal exactly, because it isn't.
Looking back on my posts I also realized how much I have given up for Roller Derby. I was quietly happy; taking long walks, learning to sew, gazing at stars and sitting on the beach. Now my time goes to trying to engage a group of women, designing session plans, thinking of ways to convince them of what I know to be important from the experiences I have had, just to be mostly disregarded. I could write here about small improvements, but I am finding that too hard at this moment.
Then there are the scraps of misconstrued impressions that the various women have of me, when so few have bothered to get to know me. I want to be proud of myself, I went to that first practice alone, then I went to a bout (in Melbourne) to learn more, when no one could house Betty and Fink I offered, and figured it all out, alone. I would speak up and offer ideas, yet continually be misunderstood. There was talk about going to a bout in August, but no one answered me back about going, so I booked a ticket and made my own plans. I had heard that 'dropping' into other leagues practices was okay, so I rented a Prius and offered to take any of our skaters with me to Geelong's practice, but no one wanted to go with me, so I went alone.
This of course is how I got my opportunity to skate in competition, but this seemed to make me more of an outsider back on the island.
My thought process is in this snarled loop, the league offers me very little. But without the league I have nothing in the way of Derby here on the island.

Yet, I suppose the telling sign of how Roller Derby has crawled in and set up house, is that I do have plans to continue. I keep coming up with plans, and just guarding my disappointment when the response is less what I wanted. I obligate myself a month or so at a time, knowing I won't back out of an obligation.
I can barely dredge up the memory of seeing the flyer here in Tasmania, I was with Monte, Roberto, and Zok and I idly said while taking a photo of the flyer- "Do you think I am too old for Roller Derby?" and pretty much they all laughed and said "Yes"! (insert a sort of snorting duh noise).
But I went anyway...

4 comments:

Monte Means said...

Did I laugh? Worse yet, did I snort? Forgive me, Sookie! You proved us all wrong!

Pip said...

It makes me more sad than you will know that you feel like you are an outsider to derby here.

Because to me you are an integral part of it and without you (and Elissa et al) I probably would have given up months ago.

brandi said...

i think this is the best post on derby yet. best post on living life to the fullest yet. so keep doing what your doing cause it's contagious!

bettybamalam said...

I've felt on the outer of it so many times, even though I've existed the at the centre of the whirlwind for so long. I think everyone who tries it is brave and a little crazy, and I think you are bravest of them all. I so wish we could work out some way of being twinstars in the same sky.

Thanks for posting about the reality of it.